314 Ways to make a Happy Marriage - Dr. Sharmila Majumdar, Sexologist
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Ways To Make Your Long-Term Marriage Happier, Starting Today

happy marriage

The honeymoon period in most marriages has a shelf life. But does that mean you can’t bring back those fluttery butterfly feelings of excitement and anticipation everyone experiences at the beginning of a relationship? Absolutely not. All marriages maneuver through rough patches. Some don’t survive long enough to come out the other side unscathed. But many do. Here are 11 ways to have a happy marriage and keep it fresh.

1. Remind your partner (and yourself) that you appreciate them

After you’ve been married for many, many years, that passionate kiss when your partner walks in the door can easily morph into a peck on the cheek that can then morph into an inability even to look up from your eyes. Studies show that nearly half of men who have cheated say it was because of emotional dissatisfaction, and not sex. When men don’t feel connected or appreciated by their wives, they are vulnerable to the advances of any attractive woman who casts a lustful glance their way. And fellows, it works the other way as well.

2. Say thank you for the little things

Playing tit for tat is childish and will do nothing but chip away at the trust and connection you’ve built with your spouse. If you are so inclined, keep score of all the positive things your partner does in a day and then thank them. Hopefully they’ll get the hint and do the same for you.

3. Practice honesty, even when you’re ashamed

Although infidelity usually happens in bed, it also can happen with money. And it will be a tough road gaining back your spouse’s trust if you’ve lied about overspending.

Along that same vein, if you feel you aren’t connecting with your partner the way you used to, you need to say something, now. If you don’t kep telling yourself that things would get better on their own, couples might not have reached what I call the danger zone.

4. Take care of your appearance

With many years and a few kids under your belt, it’s easy to let your appearance slide. Think about when you first met your partner. Would you have walked around in stained nightdress and without brushing your teeth? My guess is no. But I’ve seen too many couples transform from well-groomed men and women with shabby ones with disastrous repercussions.

Sometimes you must compliment your spouses.

5. Foster relationships outside your marriage

“time apart”: At times it gets romantic because even the conversations on the phone get more romantic. You need “some distance, and space” once in a while.

Your marriage should be your primary relationship – but it needn’t be the only one.

6. Watch your words

There are many things you should never say to a longtime spouse, the first being: “Don’t you think our new neighbor is attractive?” That’s a question you just think you want to know the answer to. It’s also never a good idea to start a sentence with: “You know it’s always been your problem that…” Who wants to hear that from their partner? We hopefully all have a pretty good sense of ourselves at this point and having someone you love point out a failing in this way does little to engender a loving relationship.

“You always…” or “You never…” Think about it. Neither of these is true. If you start a sentence with these words your spouse is certain to shut down or start a fight. Stop for a minute and think about what you really mean to say — and then say that instead.

7. Put away the jumper cables yourself

Most of us have problems that are more like petty and repeated annoyances, which when fed the steroids of resentment and anger, balloon up.

Most of our problems start out small enough – he borrows the jumper cables from your car and then leaves them sitting in the driveway just waiting to get run over – and from that sprouts a giant festering sore. It leads you to utter words like, “If you loved me you would have put the jumper cables back in my car so that when I get stuck in a bad neighborhood with a dead battery I could save myself,” which, in my household, generally results in a reply like “When do you ever drive in bad neighborhoods?”

It is the small annoyances that, if left unaddressed, do us in. For a happier marriage, address them right away and keep it simple. “Honey, did you put jumper cables back in my car?”

8. Relish the silence

Sometimes the best way to address a problem is to just walk away from it – as in seriously let it go. Not every slight must be addressed. Know that not every insult is intended. Practice letting go as much as you can. Forgive more. Forget more. Bite your tongue until the tip bleeds. And once in a while, remind yourself of why you married this person. Focus on those reasons and let stuff pass without mention.

The trick to successful silence, however, is that you really let the problem pass. If you stay silent and still harbor bad thoughts, well, that’s where ulcers come from.

9. Recognize the ebb-and-flow

Relationships aren’t flat-lined; that’s death, actually. Life has ups and downs, peaks and valleys. We all go through periods where the mere thought of life without our partners can bring tears to our eyes and then a week later we can’t stand the sound of their breathing next to us. We’ve all been there. The trick is knowing that you won’t stay in either place forever. Truth is, in a marriage, you spend most of your time in an emotional middle ground. It’s not songbirds chirping, nor is it considering which poison in his pasta will cause the most painful demise.

This middle ground isn’t the couple who sit in the restaurant across from one another without conversing. Those people have actually flat-lined and just don’t know it yet. No, the middle ground is when months meld into years and you know what the reaction will be before you say something. It’s when the book you finished last night just migrates automatically to the nightstand on his side and he tells you about the recorded “Modern Family” episode you slept through. It’s the every day ebb and flow without the waves.

10. Be kind

We tend to take advantage of those we love the most probably because we know they love us and we can get away with it. It’s the old kick-the-cat syndrome. You have a bad day at the office and come home and take it out on your mate. A much healthier pattern is to start out each day by asking yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner happy?” And mean it. Doesn’t it make more sense to put your best face on for someone you love? Look for ways to say “yes.” This rule applies to parenting as well, but in a happy marriage, people are busy trying to please each other. That sometimes means sitting through endlessly long ball games, putting on a tie, watching a horror movie with your eyes closed, and traveling around old Civil War battleground sites when you really wanted to be vacationing on a beach in Goa. It’s doing things for your partner.

11. Maintain intimacy and passion, both inside and outside the bedroom.

Intimacy isn’t just sex and passion isn’t just doing it on the kitchen counter. Bedroom habits age along with the marriage. There may be no stronger aphrodisiac than a moonlight walk on the beach that ends in a kiss. There may be no greater display of passion than the zeal of a partner in a hospital room trying to get the nurse’s attention for an ailing wife. Don’t let others define what is a “normal” or “healthy” amount of sex for your marriage. Know that things change, but that doesn’t make them less exciting or fun. And intimacy comes in many shapes, including conversation and cuddling.

doctorsharmila
Dr. Sharmila Majumdar is the First Female Sexologist in India, who specializes in Female & Male Sexual Dysfunction & Mental Health. Her professional experience comprises of National and International Consultations, co-authoring a Medical Handbook on “Male Infertility and Andrology”, Journal Publications, Presentations as a guest faculty at National & International Conferences on Sexology, Endocrinology, Gynecology & Psychology. She is also a Guest lecturer in several medical colleges in India. Dr. Sharmila Majumdar has also won an award for the best Presentation in Female Sexual Dysfunction in the National Conference of Sexology in 2008. She is also a columnist in leading local newspapers. She is a guest editor and a contributor in several medical portals and magazines. Dr. Sharmila Majumdar has rich experience of 11 years in the area of Sexual & Mental Health. She has successfully treated hundreds of patients globally. Her primary motto is optimal Sexual & Mental Health in Men and Women. She is up-to-date with the latest advancement in the emerging field of Sexual & Mental Health for the well-being of her patients. She strongly believes in the right to Physical, Sexual and Mental wellness. DR. SHARMILA MAJUMDAR IS AVAILABLE FOR CONSULTATION AT AVIS HOSPITAL, SEXUAL & MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC, HYDERABAD – 500033, TELENGANA, INDIA

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